Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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