Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
