I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
