i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
