I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
