don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Ladies don't puke and tell
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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