You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
