Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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