The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
