we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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