i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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