When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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