After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
