Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
