I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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