my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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