I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
