I wish I could punch you in the face.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
