I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
