Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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