she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I deserve this hangover.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
