Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
