just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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