last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
