I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
