No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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