He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
