I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
