Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
