you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
