the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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