I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Randomize
