You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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