I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
