he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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