oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
