Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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