I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
