im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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