I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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