Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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