i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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