I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
