Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
