I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
