thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
