I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
