I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
