Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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