I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
