i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
